ON THE LIGHTER SIDE OF THINGS...

I thought I'd lighten things up a bit and tell ya'll a quick funny.

Running late for work this morning...imagine that on a cold, dark, rainy Monday morning...and on the way out the door, I remembered the giant size coffee I had purchased over the weekend for the office. I mean this baby must weigh five lbs--hey, I'm dutch...it was a good deal. Anyhoo, I then remembered that this is the type of can that needs to be opened with a can opener. NO problem, right? Yeah, right.

So here I am trying to fit this big can of coffee to my little opener, and I try and try to get it to open the whole way. Nope...after several tries, I still cannot open it completely...I'm now just a little mad and looking at the clock reading 7:55 am...I realize that gives me exactly five minutes to get to work on time, which isn't going to happen. I pull on the top and there is still a 2" gap so I try to twist and turn it, but...no go. Well, I gotta tell ya, I almost threw that thing out the window! After staring at it like it had grown horns and was now laughing at me, I put the plastic cover on and set it on the table (as calmly as I could--really I was calm.) ;)

At lunch time, (after spending $30 for wrinkle cream at Walgreen's--now if that ain't enough to depress a girl, ha ha.) I tried once again to open it all the way and lo & behold, after a few tries it came right off. Now, I ask you...why couldn't it have done that this morning?? hmmm, I wonder.

And...how was your morning??

Who's it All About anyway?

Hello dear friends~

I was going through my son's old books to help clear out his room--no easy task :) I came across a book for teens by Max Lucado, and it deals with the subject that the focus of our lives should be on God and not ourselves. Good message, right? Pretty simple to understand, right? Why is it then that when life gets rough, that we focus on our problems and the negative rather than putting more focus on God for a more positive outlook? Is it the devil's work--our own human weakness that prevents us from looking up to the Lord? I think a little of both probably.

Society also helps dictate this, "it's all about me" syndrome. I fall into it; most, at some point, fall into it. But we need to rise above and recognize it for what it is--a trap. We must place our focus on our Lord Jesus Christ for peace and fulfillment for a joy that will last no matter what our circumstances.

God knows what he's doing! He knows when we focus on ourselves, we get down and depressed. He wants our focus on him, so that we realize His BEST plan for our lives. We are sinners--we cannot achieve God's will for our lives w/o the focus on Him. This world will NOT give us what we need, although we surely do try to find it there. We must have the attitude that it's all about God rather than about us--then, only then will we be on the right road. Easy? NO way.

We get down, depressed. I'm there--daily. But we don't have to struggle alone. There are medications and therapy--yes...good in their rightful place. But we must allow God to help us as the number one authority. When we look to God, we are on the right path to finding true happiness.

I pray that you will remember to look to the Lord and know that this message is my own reminder as well. God bless!

WHAT THE HECK?

I can't believe I haven't posted anything in over a month! This fall has been flying by...but still...what the heck?

What have I been up to? Well, for one thing, I haven't felt well. Most of you know that I'm usually more quiet when something's up. I found out that I have two ovarian cysts that are bleeding, so they are painful. Good news is that they should go away on their own...I've had one before. They usually aren't this painful, but these babies are...so I'm anxious for them to go away ;)

I have been writing as much as I can but with my laptap still dead and with my kids hogging the home computer, it has been difficult to get much done. That's my excuse anyway. I had all four submissions rejected for my "Big Girl" short story. I'm going to work on getting it out to a few others to try and find a home. I am still revising my novel from hell and getting support from the Notebored writing group. There just isn't enough time in the day to fix the glaring errors with it, so I take it step-by-step and find the experience very rewarding (even though at times it is extremely frustrating)--makes perfect sense, right?

I've also been fighting a little thing called depression. Any of you know about that? I've fought it off and on over the years, so I know the symptoms--it usually takes a while before I do something because...well, we all think we should just snap out of it like a bad mood--not like that, unfortunately. I went to my doctor for help, and I'm going to take just a low dose of an antidepressant that I was on years back.

I've also been busy with Cody's cross country practices and meets. I so enjoy them! My hubbie & I were CC runners in HS, so we have a lot of fun supporting him. Thankfully, my hubbie has been home on the weekends and that has been wonderful, but this summer/fall was tougher than I thought it would be without him during the week.

Well, I will try to be more faithful to my blogger buddies. Please be patient with me!

Take care and God Bless!!

Real Life Stuff

So are ya ready for a philosophical chat? Hope not. How about listening to me ramble about silly stuff?

Like why/how I always have extra socks AND missing socks ...now I know this must happen to other people, right? But now, it's underwear for my boys...okay, my hubbie and son, to be exact. They both scratch their head and wonder where all of their underwear go. And I honestly don't know. I search, oh yeah, I look under beds, near the washing machine, the hamper? Why would I check in the hamper? I've checked laundry baskets and other misc places. Where do they all go?

And why is it my responsibility to know where these items are at all times and a better question is why it's my responsibility to find them? Yuck. Dirty socks and underwear. Dang. Did I sign up for this duty somewhere along the way? When I ask the question to "my boys," they only shrug and say, "cuz, you're the mom." Hmmm, now where have I heard that before?

Or what about, the slamming of cupboard doors one-by-one by family members and of course the refrigerator door slams next. "Mom, where's all the food?" It's Wednesday. I went shopping on Friday night and spent $160 on food. Where did that all go, I ask. They want me to get more food. I say no. Why, they ask, with hungry eyes of a child who has had something to eat ten minutes ago. Friday, that's shopping day, that's why. They moan and groan and then find something that they'd passed over earlier in the week. It's hard not to stop to the store during the week and of course there are times when I must, but I could quite possibly be there every day if I didn't draw the line. I ask my 21 yr old to stop by for her own needs and you'd think I'd just slapped her. But that's another story.

How about the towel dilemma--those sometimes, too become MIA. And since when were two towels needed for a shower? This is a necessity according to my daughter. Heck I'm all for using the same one two days in a row, now that is a sin.

And how is your day? Can anyone relate to any of this craziness?

Is it my birthday?

Okay folks, I'm feeling older today, much older. Is it her birthday, you ask? Nope. Might as well be though--feeling the wrinkles pop out as I type this. The grays aren't hidden any longer. Why more so today?

Well, my daughter turns 21 today and my 15 yr old son started drivers training this week. (thought I was going to have a heart attack when I saw my son behind the wheel of the car with the instructor--where was my peace then?) Whew, all good news, but dang, I'm feeling my age today. And all before my 40th birthday in October. Gee, I wonder how I'll feel then? Don't go there.

Age is all a state of mind. Then I'm 200 today, yeah for me :) Try blowing out those candles. I'm going now to get my cane ;)

Ya'll have a good day and I hope you're feeling younger than I am.

POV

So, okay, here's the scene.

It's a bright, sunny Sunday afternoon. And it's hot. After spending over four hours at the beach and swimming in Lake Michigan and nearby river, my son, his friend and my hubbie are inside our trailer, which I think is close to a sin on such a beautiful, breezy day as this.

Now, here's the thing. I like it quiet on Sunday afternoons esp if I have some time alone. Or should I say, I'd expect that in the park, it would be quiet on a Sunday afternoon. It's one thing when I'm enjoying the outdoors, say fishing, reading a book on my deck or even when sitting by a roaring campfire. I expect noise then, right? Of course. But today there is an unusually loud, annoying man-made noise in the park from one of the nearby campers. It's some sort of power generator, which I have come to find out is from someone power-spraying his/her trailer. Yeah so my soothing, relaxing time is not so soothing because of this over-bearing, constant noise.

I'm pretty darn good at drowning out noises (whether they are internal or external) in order to accomplish a quiet Sunday when necessary. But I confess having to work hard to tune out that generator. It's humming and buzzing and not stopping. It's been a few hours. Nope, still there.

Well it got me to thinking. Life is like this, isn't it? In order to accomplish any goal, hear God's voice, we must learn to quiet the other voices and noises around us. At times, peace doesn't come easily--we need to work hard to achieve it. Let the problems go, let the internal monologue go, and let God give you peace. And if you want peace on any noisy day, you might just need to block out the noise, even if only for an hour. Yes, even blocking machinery.

How to block these stubborn noises? Focus. It takes a great deal of focus/concentration to block out equipment, believe me--but I've been doing it as I concentrate on writing exercises and reading a book. I've trained myself to focus on the task while taking out the background. I still know the noise is there, no doubt about that. We can't just work away from life's problems or issues, but we can put them in the proper prospective so they don't run havoc to destroy our peace and joy.

It's about staying at the task at hand until something stops you that can't be stopped and yes, there are those things. I'm interrupted many times at work, but when focusing on the top priority task, I go back when I've taken care of the other issue. But when the focus is on the project rather than the noise, we're actually working harder and longer on our goal. Could you imagine if we stopped everything in our day when we hear an annoying noise or couldn't block our annoying self-talk? We wouldn't ever get anything accomplished.

So when the noises of life take over, just remember to stay on task until the job is complete--even if it takes many interruptions. Ahh, the post is written and the external noise has stopped. The generator humming has stopped. Now isn't that perfect timing? Ha! But isn't that the story of our lives?

Enjoy the Journey

ANOTHER POST ON FOCUSING??

Why is it harder to focus when I'm not as busy? Does that make any sense?

Yes, of course I'm busy--who isn't? The month of July is normally a relaxing month for me, more so than any other month. But I've noticed that I'm not accomplishing any more, even though sports and misc. church activities aren't in the schedule. Of course then I'm running around like a madwoman, but I still feel like I should be getting more done around the house, more writing projects out the door, making more time to write new stories/revise older ones and other activities. I am taking care of normal business, but how to focus when the sun and chair on my deck call my name?

Or is it the Lord who calls me? Part of me knows that rest & relaxation is needed to find time to listen to the Lord. When the track and cross country meets overwhelm my schedule and let's face it, even my spiritual responsiblities, at times, deflate my spirit, the Lord often reminds me to cool my jets. (Is that an expression that is even used any more?) Sometimes we want to concentrate on the achievement of goals too much when I think sometimes God wants us to sit. Listen. Then there will be a time to march forward to work out his plan. But are we listening?

My thoughts for today...It's okay to enjoy the sun and let go of all of the madness, but it's important to remember to praise God and listen for his guidance in our daily lives, no matter the season.

May God bless you and keep you. Look to the heavens for focus and God will show you the way.

Enjoy the Journey, my blogger friends!

Vacation~

I'm baaaaaccccckkkkk!!!!!

I've been on vacation for the past week, and it was fantastic. I went kayaking for the first time--we kayaked for three hours on Hamlin Lake. We went down trails that few choose to go down. Shallow trails with high weeds and plenty of bugs, snakes and of course a beautiful blue sky and water. We had to get out five times, and port (portages seasoned kayak'ers call them,) drag the boat and then get back in another side. Those who kayak might be able to appreciate the challenge of this. It aint easy. Challenging. Will I fall in this time, I wondered. I spent time with close family and cousins...sitting around campfires, watching thunderstorms roll by...sprawling out in the sun on the beach and of course, reading my books purchased at the local used bookstore, and so much more.

But people are surprised when I tell them that I'm usually ready to get back to the routine--to my life, my work, my writing. I like my job (most times) when I have the right frame of mind, thus the importance of rest & relaxation. Sometimes I forget to take that daily break--to focus on the important things in life--devotions, praising God, spending time with family. Once priorities are in proper order, life is much more enjoyable, with or without a get away from it all vacation. A vacation for me can simply be time with God on my deck, listening to the birds as I complete a devotion, or even spending time with family--playing cribbage with my son.

But let's face it...there's nothing like that time away from everything...when our minds are renewed...refreshed...almost erased of worry. If we don't take time to wipe the slate clean, how can we get down to what's really important? Just like God wipes are slate clean, we too must forgive ourselves and let the past go, let the worries go, and just enjoy the journey that we must follow.

Isn't it interesting how it all ties together? Peace, rest, relaxation, forgiveness and yes, work. We can work and have all of these things. Vacations away remind us of what that peace feels like, but if the only time that I felt peace was one week a year, I would go insane. My joy is in the Lord and peace comes from Him--not the lake or a cottage or RV.

I thank God that he allows us our vacations to remind us what his peace can feel like year round even when we know that we have hard work ahead of us as we do God's will.

Make the Bed!

Hello Fellow Blogger friends,

Okay, I admit it...I haven't ever really been concerned about beds being made in our house. My kids make their own decision on that. I showed them how when they were younger, and then left it up to them. And I confess that I don't make my own bed every day...did I just hear gasps out there in cyber-world? Not make her bed? Well that's just terrible, you think. But again, it's just never been a big thing with me. Okay what's the point, you ask.

Well on those days that I decide I want my bed made, I quickly throw the top covers--my quilt and comfortor over my queen size bed, not paying any mind to the sheets underneath. As I was tossing them over my bed one day, I wondered if this was a lot like disguising real thoughts of inadequacy and guilt from sin when we buy our fancy cars, our expensive homes and materialistic things like the name brand suit and shoes in hopes to feel better. Is it all a disguise, a cover for the real feelings inside? Oh we all like nice things...but at what cost? I wonder if some like to shop for escape from dealing with problems and bad feelings, instead of going to the source, our God through our Lord, Jesus Christ for peace, fulfillment and forgiveness. But instead are we pulling the comfortor over our beds in hopes of hiding what's lying underneath? Will those materialistic items be enough?

I pray that we'll be able to deal with pain, disappointments, anger, feelings of guilt from sin and other issues by praying and confessing sins to Jesus Christ, instead of running out for the latest car or outfit. He is the only source for long-term peace and joy.

And no, I won't make my bed any different after this post ;)

From one blogger just trying to find the joy in the journey...

WHERE DO STORIES COME FROM?

It's interesting to stop and think about where writers come up with their stories. Where do these stories come from? I hadn't put too much thought into the subject until my mom mentioned that she was depressed by my stories and didn't want other people to read them, thinking they were about me. I reassured my mom that no, in fact, they were not based on my life or me at all...but in thinking about that, I wondered if that was entirely true. The story itself is fiction, but what about my character's thoughts/feelings?

I think about some of the stories that I've written, and I have felt the way that my characters have at one time or another, but these feelings are ones that most have had, so I think readers will be able to relate to my characters better. That's the goal, right?

I have thought about where Stephen King gets his stories from. I mean, that's just plain scary. I did read his book, On Writing, but honestly couldn't tell you if he mentioned where his stories come from or not. The stories aren't real of course, but the feelings behind some of the characters must be real. I'd say all characters, but his stories can get wayyyy out there so not all are human ;)

So back to the question: Where do stories come from? I have a book on Freud and dream interpretation, maybe I should read it to see what he has to say on the subject. Obviously our imaginations, right? What does that mean? Do we have a magical fairy godmother/muse up there directing our thoughts? I know the holy spirit directs our lives down the path that God wants us to follow--is there something us going up there?

Well, now my head hurts, but I'll just say that for now, my stories are fiction and not based on anyone I know or myself, even if some of the thoughts and feelings are based on real human emotion. There...that sounds good. That's my story, and I'm sticking with it!

End of Story...

What do you think?

FOCUS...FOCUS...FOCUS...

Hello Fellow Blogger Buddies~

Sorry that I've been neglectful to my blog! Blame it on the weather--the birds singing, the soft warm breezes blowing through my hair as I lounge on my deck at the RV (home away from home), those many writing projects--whatever the reason, I've been a tad bit unfocused. But lately it's most likely because I've been tired, esp after a nightmarish week of work. Hell week. It was good to go thru it, I tell my boss...to show yourself you can get thru anything...like childbirth. Ha Ha. No, it wasn't anything like that...don't worry :) This on top of an already busy few months of constant stress.

I've been trying to focus on my writing projects as I've stated before. Many writers have a hard time focusing when they have so many projects in the works. I love Kevin Alexander's monthly article in Writer's Digest magazine on the subject. He is hilarious. Here's the thing. I'm having my novel critiqued weekly at the Notebored (Writing group that I've mentioned before.) Every week as part of a workshop, I post 2,000 words and have approx 4-6 people give feedback on it. It doesn't sound like a lot, but when trying to revise the terrible stuff I wrote three years ago and then revising that after receiving feedback only to find out it's still terrible, it is tough. The cycle continues weekly. It's been five weeks now. On top of this, I really want to market a children's story as well as work on other pieces. I have my goals, but just can't seem to get all of this done! What is more important--work on the novel? Get out the children's story? How about those other two short stories that I've had critiqued and re-written 20 times that are calling my name? I also have many other flash/short shorts that I've written on the Notebored from triggers--what about them? I could re-write and post on the Notebored as part of another challenge. I also try to participate in the weekly trigger flash to keep my writing skills up to par as I revise my novel. But...what's more important? How do I prioritize? What story is more important?

Okay, you'll know by now that I'm very much a gut instinct kinda girl. I listen to the Holy Spirit for direction in my life. Does the Spirit guide me on such simple projects? If so, I'm not listening. Or am I? I could be doing many other things with my time. Why write? What does my instinct say about that? It certainly isn't an enjoyable experience all of the time, especially after another "critter" slaughtered my flash or thinks my novel is something out of a scary movie. Okay I might be exaggerating, but honestly, it does get overwhelming. Does anyone else feel this way?? Am I all alone? Am I normal?

Remember the post for lists and goals? Well, I still make them and actually do accomplish quite a bit, but every day lists? No way. Just can't do it. And after reading my earlier post on this subject, it sounds insane. I think I'm trying to control my life better, not wanting to miss out on everything. But life isn't that controllable is it? And do I need to be reminded of this daily?

So back to the main question, am I alone in my frustration of being a writer who struggles with her goals because of lack of time and focus? You tell me. Is there magical dust that I can buy? Will my muse help me? Will the Spirit show me the way? Or do I just write and write and write and do the best I can?

The good news is God is there for me. He listens to my insanity and frustrations and the Spirit does show me the way. I just need to remember to be still and listen to His voice. While I might go about my writing in an unfocused way...God reminds me to put the focus back on him. Hmmm...that is much more important. Yes, there is still craziness, and I still want everything organized, but my peace returns about my writing. I know this is the direction I should follow. I know that everything is fine. Just fine.

Thanks for reading and listening. I feel better already.

Enjoy the Journey!!

In Remembrance~

Memorial Day reminds me of my ancestors, and I wonder what their lives must have been like, way back in the day. I have spent a great deal of time researching my past and have been richly blessed finding newfound cousins.

If you’re strolling here and would like tips on researching your heritage, feel free to ask! I also have research/info on the following surnames: Tuttle, Peavey, DeVries, McMullin, Braendle, Dove, and misc. others. Please let me know how I can help you! It is one of the most fulfilling and challenging endeavors to find one’s ancestors and family in the present! You won't be disappointed. I'm thankful that my ancestors risked so much to start a new life in a new world! My ancestors emigrated from England, Ireland/Scotland, Netherlands...etc.

Memorial Day also reminds me of those who have fought and still fight for our country, for our rights and the rights of so many others around the world. Sometimes it's hard to know what is right and wrong where war is involved, but we must always remember to support the men and women who give their very lives, so that we may have life, prosper and enjoy the very freedoms we enjoy to this day. I couldn't even imagine being a woman in places like Iraq and Afghanistan.

I pray that we take a moment to remember what our family and others we've never even met have done and continue to do to ensure freedoms here and overseas.

FRIENDSHIP

To all of my friends out there ~ You know who you are!!


Friendship is a magical vehicle in which two distinct souls journey together to different destinations.

Author unknown

Contact a friend today!!

Motherhood

As another Mother's Day comes to an end, I am convinced that my role as mother is not only one of the most important ones in my life, it's the most difficult. I have accomplished things in my life that I would consider tough. I've worked stressful jobs under tough managment and went back to college to earn my degree, working full time while raising a family, etc. But I'm telling ya, nothing compares to the challenges I face as a mother--daily. And it doesn't get easier as my children get older, much to my disappointment.

This divine appointment is one that takes my breathe away, an emotional rollarcoaster that no amusement park can outdo. It's amazing how many ups & downs a mother can experience in one day, let alone how much one experiences throughout the years. I feel pain, anger, frustration, impatience--okay, just flat out pissed off one minute while the next, I am joyous, amazed, calm and appreciative of the blessings/gifts God has given to me. Up and down, Up and down...and let's throw in the twirly rides, too--the twists and turns, just for fun because that's what a mother feels like. Sometimes I wish I could keep my emotions at bay, but I'm not sure that's the best way. Is it even possible, all of the time? Not in my world. We can't just push a magical button and make all situations/circumstances better with a calm smile. I believe there is a time, place and reason for different emotions.

My kids see and know the real me. They know the mom who loses her temper and cries over it--who apologizes for it, but stands firm when a harsh, "no" must be spoken, even when she wishes she could say yes. They see a mom who struggles with life and her own dreams, who has a mind and wants to be the best she can be for God, her family and her true self. One who works hard to fit everything in, but seldom accomplishes everything she wants to.

Do I pray for patience and less rollercoaster rides? Oh yeah, but I'm glad that my kids really know who I am rather than some watered down version of who they think I am. I am who I am, after all, and I wouldn't trade being a mother for anything in the world.

To all of you mothers on rollar coaster rides, Happy Mother's Day!! And a special, "Happy Mother's Day," to my own mom who knows exactly what I'm going through! Thanks, Mom for being there and sacrificing so much for me.

Enjoy the Journey!

SPEAKING OF MIDDLE AGE!

Funny story on the book I'm reading. You know you're old when you buy a book at a used bookstore and then loan that same book from the library within a two week period.

To my defense (kinda), I mentioned here that I had purchased a couple of books up north from a used bookstore, which I kept at our trailer and hadn't read yet. I went to my local library the following week and happened upon, Light of August by William Faulker, revised 1985 edition. I took out the book. I started reading it late last week and had it with me when we went up north this past weekend.

When I walked into the trailer, I saw the book by Faulkner on the table. Keep in mind, it looked completely different and was the renewed edition (if that's how you say it.) from 1959. I know what you're thinking, didn't I recognize the title? Nope...it's sad but true. I knew that I had purchased one of his books but was the chance that it was the same book?? Yikes! I guess I'm supposed to read this book!

And HOW WAS YOUR DAY?? :)

Older & Smarter?

Hello fellow bloggers~

As I approach this thing called "middle age," I wonder why I don't feel any smarter. What happened to the answers I once had? I thought I would be so smart at 40. Nope. Didn't happen-well I have a few months, maybe it will yet, suddenly. Hmm...I doubt it. If I didn't have the answers to life's questions as a youngster (not that I'm old-ok?), I had desperately sought them out. And now?

All right, I admit it. I still seek the answers to life's questions, at times. The good news? I search for the answers from a different source now, and instead of focusing on trying to find the answers to all of life's questions, I concentrate on my faith in the Lord. God is my source. He has the answers. I DO NOT. It has taken me a long time to figure this out. I still find it difficult to admit. I still need reminders. I can search & search within myself and roam around the entire face of the earth, but I will not find the answers to the important questions that I need to know. Answers to the questions that I must know for salvation, for peace, and to follow God's will.

Struggling? Need answers? Don't know your purpose in life? Go to the Lord in prayer and ASK for comfort, strength and understanding, AND HE WILL provide you with a peace that will astound you. Feeling unworthy? Ask for forgiveness and let your past sins/struggles melt away so that you may start a new life. A new life with the Lord by your side. A friend, an ally that no one can take away. Don't know this triune God? Ask Jesus into your heart and your life will change-FOREVER.

If anyone has specific prayer requests, please feel free to post them here! I would love to pray with you.

My Favorite passage from The Holy Bible

1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

This helps me get thru life's struggles, through this journey called life. Our God is good! May it also help you along your path.

What are your favorites??

What is this? Who wrote this?

I'm at the point now that I've written enough short stories, articles and other writing projects that there are things I don't remember writing! I came across this little diddy and still can't figure out why I wrote it. After revising it slightly, I remember writing parts of it, but it's all a blur. I have no idea where this came from...do you know what I mean?

Title? If I posted this early on in my blog days, forgive me...I can't remember ;) I think I wrote that already, right? See what happens when you approach 40? Enough stalling...here goes...


The tall, wet grasses brush against my old cotton sweats as I run, slipping and sliding on the slippery trail. Branches from large old trees bend and twist as I make my way alongside the stream, which is partially frozen with water still flowing. The scene of the stream, the glistening trees and squirrels scattering as I press forward should comfort me. I yearn for peace. I race to find it. Instead, strands of cobwebs fill a deep empty abyss that should be a normal functioning brain. Lead weights attach to my eyelids. I stop running and wipe beads of sweat off of my forehead. I close my eyes and take a deep breath filling my sore lungs with sweet, fresh air, exhaling to the point of a sigh.

Why can’t I escape my body and rise high above the trees to the heavens and leave this pain behind? I wonder. And, I want to continue my run. I want to scream-the kind that hurts your throat and takes your breath away. Instead, with heavy tight shoulders, I fall to the hard, icy ground. I sit in a pile of coldness and look at the whiteness and wonder how it can appear so bright when all I really see is a blackness that won’t go away.

An imaginary mass of misery and darkness swirls above, through me and finally rests on my shoulders. I can’t touch it, but sense its long, sharp teeth ready to devour me like the big bad wolf in an old nursery rhyme, which actually reminds me of another time and place-my youth and happiness, now a thing of the past. The powerful pull of restlessness takes over. A single tear falls down my face. No more will follow. Tears won’t take it away. I know.

This thing of unrest and heaviness consumes my thoughts. I want to grab and shake this endless stream of emptiness and loneliness. I want to place this crazy ball of destruction into a sling, fling it over my head and watch it sail.

I stand and spin round and round, hold my head and yell, “Move on! You can’t have me. I have so much to do.” Only silence follows. This is all too familiar.

Little gray and white sparrows flutter in the trees and bushes next to me and somehow, I know the cloud of gloom will not pass until it has dumped its ugly contents on me. I shudder and feel goose bumps rise and scatter across my skin. I sigh and remember I’ve run into the forest near my home and know much time has past as I see the moonlight peaking through the snowy twigs. I notice puffs of my breath steaming the air around me.

A light crunching sound behind me, my whole body stiffens. I hold my place, too afraid to move. And, suddenly I see them. A wide-eyed doe and her fawn stand motionless about fifty yards and stare at me. The burden once weighing on my shoulders has been lifted. Once again, I remember what peace feels like, if only for a brief moment in time.

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Craziness!

You know, I was re-reading my old post on time management last night, and I couldn't help but laugh at myself. I know better. Really I do. Trying to manage my time? I must be out of my mind...I thought of this post as I sat on my couch watching American Idol, (yes, I'm a fan-had another embarrassing post on that, too.) and folding two loads of clothes in between clicking my email and critting a few stories on my lovely "wireless" lap-top. Time manage? Yeah right...all this after my son's track meet and mopping the floor, getting supper ready. (that all after working all day :) Heck it will take me longer to figure out my schedule of events than it would just to do what I can. Right? Excuses, excuses, excuses...

Anyhoo, if I ever type up such a stupid post again, someone out there in cyperspace, come over here and give me a little pinch or something...I was going to say smack on the head, but I might just have another stupid post so I have to be careful...

I know what you're thinking...she's lost it...

:)

Books, books, books...

I just wanted to pass along a couple of good books that I've recently read.

The Historian, by Elizabeth Kostova

This was a difficult and LONG book for me. I struggled through the historical parts, but the book is well-written and while I also struggled with the different POVs, it was suspenseful and interesting. (Although I must confess skimming over some of the historical parts-shame on me because the novel is beautifully written.) It was good and spooky! Believe it or not, it was a book about the history of Dracula (and variations thereof) mixed with a fictional tale about him.

Me, by Katharine Hepburn

I've been fascinated with Katharine Hepburn for as long as I can remember. I was recommended by a used bookstore clerk this particular book since it was written by Katharine herself. I highly recommend it as well. I read it in two days. Although I wish she would have written more on her relationship with Spence, I found the book to be fascinating and Katharine very witty-quite hilarious at times. Her life was grand. I'm going to rent her older movies-if I can find them ;) I've seen a couple with her and Spence. Loved her with John Wayne, in Rooster Cogburn and also in On Golden Pond.

I'm in the middle of Scott Turow's, Reversible Errors.

Any recommendations?? Reviews??

ps-I also picked up Dan Brown's, Angels & Demons...see earlier posts on my review of his book, The DaVinci Code and my issues with it. Okay, I had to get it out of curiousity!

I'm officially addicted to books-please someone, please stop me. I can't stop going to the library, Barnes & Noble, and now Ludington has a used bookstore, which I love...not good. Not good at all. Oh well, guess there are worse things, right? Oh yeah, wouldn't want to forget my writing bookclub...yikes!