Wednesday, February 27, 2008


Anyone else out there experiencing anxiety?

It's one thing to be unmotivated during these winter months, but to then experience anxiety on top of what are classic signs of depression, I think I could lose my mind. I'm not talking worry. I'm talking anxiety (panic) attacks that hit out of the blue that take over whatever it is that I'm doing at that point in time. Whatever it is that I had the panic attack over (could be anything that has given me fear, whether it's rational or not) lasts as lingering anxiety until either it has been proven (and I do mean, proven) that my fear is totally irrational or that I have found a new problem to worry about. It is very disturbing. I try to let these things go, but just can't. I feel like I'm a pretty strong person and most times, I am, but when this anxiety takes's debilitating.

What? Is this the same person who has strong belief in God? How can this be? Honestly I struggle with this. If I had all of this faith in God, why wouldn't I just give this to him? I simply don't know. Faithful critters know that I understand that it's normal to have faith and fear, and that I work hard to hand over my will to Him, but during the times of anxiousness, I can't let go of the fear until it runs out of steam. What creates it? What stops it? I don't know.

Have I been on meds before for this? Yes. I'm sure I blogged about it last year at this time. But the difference is that there was 'usually' a direct underlying cause to my anxiety...this is mostly irrational fear. I even wake up with these panic attacks and it is extremely frightening...heart races and there is this fear that I should be doing something or that I have forgotten to do something. I'll even get up out of bed prepared to rush off to fix the matter and then stand in the kitchen and wonder what the heck I'm doing there. One might diagnose this as a need for control or frustration over my lack of it.

What? Yeah, say it. She's crazy. That's what I think sometimes, too. I know it must be a chemical think? But the meds that one is put on for depression etc is just as bad, at times, as the anxiety. It creates other problems. I probably should have been put on something in the fall so that it wouldn't have gotten this bad in the winter months, which hit me the hardest.

People who know me usually don't have any idea this is happening to me, unless I tell them. I usually keep it to myself until I've worked through the anxiety for whatever reason. For the first time, I let my husband know more about how I feel when this happens. I usually go about the day and struggle with it on my own. Even admitting depression is easier than explaining to people how I feel when struggling with anxiety and panic attacks. I know others struggle with this, but at the time it's happening, it is very personal and even to talk about it with my family is almost impossible.

Who should I also be talking with? Jesus. I try. I try praying and making time for devotions. But during times of great anxiety, it's the only time I've ever not been able to communicate with my Redeemer. Even in the worst stresses of my life, I've been able to, but when I get these attacks, I can't focus on any one thing, including my faithful Counselor whom I know tries to break through the clutter and noise clunking around in my brain.

Then I think that if I could just see the sun! Michiganders (as of last week) only rec'd 14% of the possible sunlight for the month. My hubbie tells me this as I can't even swallow food at a restaurant because my throat has tightened for no apparent reason, oh wait, I was thinking about that worry that I had had a panic attack over a few days before. I've lost weight. I just can't eat at times when these episodes hit. The attack itself doesn't last long, but it's the lingering fear of another and the irrational possibilities that ramble through my head seem to go on and on that takes away what little appetite I had.

Again I say, what? I consider myself to be a fairly healthy person. I've been starting to exercise a little more...okay so I hadn't been. The weather has been so awful that I just want go from home to work, work to home and feel drained just doing that. So, I'm exaggerating here, and do more than that, but that's what it feels like. If I hadn't been eating fairly decent, I would definately be changing that, but I've been pretty good in trying to keep a balanced diet. That is until the anxiety increases for no unknown reason...I wonder if it's tied to hormones, and yes, estrogen make me anxious, but it isn't always linked to that.

Could you understand my scrambled thoughts? If you've got this far, treat yourself! I know I could re-do this, but wanted to keep it real.

So get on meds or not? That is the question. I will be praying on this issue. Please pray for me.

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