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Is Absence a good thing? ROUGH DRAFT OF ESSAY WRITTEN IN RESPONSE TO TRIGGER: "ABSENCE." I will be revising this periodically, as I find the time ;)


Some say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, please excuse the tired ole cliché; but I don’t think this is true. Absence is like a hole that grows bigger and deeper as time passes-a hole that takes away your heart and soul if you let it. This is not to say that a certain amount of independence and time apart isn’t healthy, but counting on distance to help heal a relationship is like asking for a kiss through a telephone conversation or putting a band-aid on a leaky faucet.

When times get tough in relationships, some say couples should take some time away from each other. But, I don’t think this is the best answer for everyone or even for the majority.

Why? Well, as time goes on without communication, the mind begins to play tricks. When you are able to communicate, your mind must process new information instead of referring back to the old, useless information that only threatens to break open old holes and gaps. The new information, if processed correctly, can fill in any holes that are festering as well as repair any old wounds that might start to open again. To quote Pearl S. Buck, “The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.”

Communication fills the gaps of conflict like cement fills a hole in the road to move forward without dropping into the pit of insecurity. Once in the pit, it’s hard to get out. More and more dirt is added to the plight and when trying to take flight, the hole grows wider and deeper until the light is shut out. Hope is lost. Without the sun, the soul starts to whither and dies.

But, the disparity can be healed with love, kindness and communication. How can this be shown from a distance? How can time apart accomplish this? There might be a way to fix the gaping holes from a distance for a short period of time, but soon the hole is exposed to elements once again when the rain and the storms pry at insecurities and once again, it is open and oozing like a wound that just won’t heal. And, like a wound, you must also apply the salve and the medicine for healing power to begin.

The best medicine is time together, time to laugh and play, time to even work hard together and duke it out through the rough spots. Difficult times will follow a person wherever he or she might travel. There is no escape. A final resolution should be strived for as the pain of the situation begins to mend.

There are so many useful tools to help the healing process of the heart in relationships. First, don’t create the hole in the first place. Take time to enjoy each other, laugh together and forgive each other. Think back to a time when life was good and why you fell in love with that person to begin with. Second, if you start to dig a hole, come up for fresh air and sunlight to fill your mind with goodness and love. Instead of letting anger consume you, reach out to forgiveness. Thirdly, if you do not achieve this all seems to be lost, don’t give up. Keep reaching for the light. Work on forgetting that nasty past that sneaks up and threatens your peace and your love. Once you crawl out of the darkness to reach for goodness, evil will leave you.

Peace with your partner can be achieved by spending time together. Reach for the things that made your relationship work in the first place. This is different for everyone so what works for one couple might not work for another. It takes time and patience. There is no right or wrong way to find what works. No relationship is perfect. It takes time to work on the compromises necessary to help smoothly roll over the patches like the problems never even existed.

To be continued and revised and then probably delete ;)